Strength

I am in love with a man who gets all sweaty and exhausted from wielding a chain saw, while cutting down and clearing out trees and brush growing around the summer cabin; then pauses to carefully distribute handfulls of seeds along the driftwood lining the deck and watch while chipmunks and squirrels chatter and gather.  He rides the 4-wheeler to neighboring cabins to visit and keep in touch, and then returns to fill the hummingbird feeders and watch the hummingbirds buzz from one to the other. I am in love with a man who insists on stopping by the side of the road to hunt for thimbleberries and eats them like a bear in the bush.  He rushes outside to watch the lightning and the downpour from a thunderstorm and is the first to see the developing rainbow.  And in the evening, tears fill his eyes as he watches the last of the sunset drop behind the mountain and he waits hopefully for a full moon's reflection on the lake below.

To some, these activities might appear as a sign of weakness.  To me, recognizing and enjoying the beauty and power of nature is an ultimate gift from our creator and a demonstration of strength.

Expression of Love

Last night, as my husband and I drove toward the Bountiful Temple, I turned and thanked him for being interested in my deepest thoughts, and for listening to me.  I was remembering why I was so attracted to him when we were first dating.  I felt he cared about who I was and what I thought.  He sought my opinion and ideas.  We had long discussions.  At first I was unpracticed in how to share my thoughts and feelings (and I'm still learning), and I listened to his many ideas.  But, my trust and confidence grew more over time, as he invited and wanted to know how I felt. And I felt completely safe sharing my most personal secrets and desires, without feeling judgement or emotional withdrawal from him.  And he appeared to sincerely respect and value my opinion.  He met a deep hunger in me as we emotionally connected.  This was the greatest gift of love he could have shown me.

In the temple, as the evening continued, I gained additional understanding about myself and others, as it relates to this experience.  I thought about growing up as a middle child in a large family.  I hungered to be acknowledged and struggled to have my opinion heard.  I sometimes withdrew emotionally rather than feel disappointment at not being heard or not having my opinion trusted.  I simply did the easier thing, and caved in to the needs of others.  Now, looking back, I realize that their needs were just as great as mine.  And perhaps they also struggled to be heard.  It is a basic need in everyone to be acknowledged and understood.

Then my thoughts turned to my children.  I remembered, with appreciation, how personally touched I have felt, by conversations we shared.  Each has sought out my opinion or advice, at times, and even when I felt inadequate in my answers, they still seem to value and appreciate what I have to say.  I have felt awed and touched by their level of trust in me, by their deep emotions and profound insights.  I have felt mutually uplifted and helped by their comments and feelings.  I treasure the adult friendship blossoming between us.  Before marriage, I had not imagined that I would be given such meaningful relationships with my children.

I realize, however, that I have not created meaningful relationships, or experienced these moments, as deeply as I desire, with all those I love.  I realize that I have withheld myself emotionally, or felt judgmental, not knowing how to relate or respond to different opinions and feelings.  I lack listening and emotional skills, and I am still coping by sometimes withdrawing.  I feel inadequate, and yet, I wonder if the very relationships I desire will grow from my sharing those inadequacies.  It comes back to a question of trust.  Am I willing to take a chance on having my feelings misunderstood, in the hope of being allowed to see into someone else's heart?  I seek guidance in establishing the right boundaries and openness.

Another, additionally profound realization entered my mind.  Even as I strive to be heard and build caring relationships with others, I have an opportunity to have the most personal and loving relationship with my Father in Heaven.  I realized how much I have neglected to spend time with him, telling him all the feelings in my heart and of my desires, and listening.  He is there 24 hours a day, and even if all my other relationships were void of these emotional connections, the one with my Father in Heaven is always there and available to me.  And my relationship to him is essential to the creation and maintenance of any other relationship, because he is the source of all love.

I find it to be both interesting and personally meaningful, that in my Patriarchal Blessing, the Lord councils me to, "Keep close to your Heavenly Father, pray daily, and approach Him regarding small decisions, as well as greater, and He will direct your paths."  There are an additional five more references to my prayers and receiving revelation from him, throughout the blessing.  I think he was trying to build my confidence and remove any question in my mind that he wanted to have a personal relationship with me.  The Lord has known the very words I needed to hear and just how to nurture me.

The one-line statement of understanding I have come away with, from all of this, is:

Sharing and listening with your heart and seeking to understand another person's thoughts and feelings, is a profound expression of love; whether it is a relationship with the Lord, a husband, child, extended family, or even a stranger.

I long to develop and grow in this area.

Flying - Dreams Come True

Bill piloting plane

My husband is taking flight lessons.  When his mother passed away last year, he chose to celebrate her life by doing something that would bring him joy, with the money she left him.  Although this is a beautiful sentiment, I have to admit, I was not happy about his decision, because it was one of the few choices he has made completely without my input.   And because this involved some risk and demanded a large amount of time and money, I moped for several months.  Then Bill hit a snag while trying to meet all the FAA health requirements.  However, after a few frustrating months of meeting their qualifications, he finally passed and is back in the pilot seat.

Bountiful Temple in the distance

For Bill's birthday this spring, he asked for only one thing.  He wanted to take me on his first cross country training flight.  I agreed it would be fun to do, and so, he talked with an instructor and set a date.  He spent all day Saturday, preparing his first flight plan.  Upon arriving at the small airport nearby, his instructor patiently spent the next hour revising and teaching him how to correctly plot his flight, using manual rulers and instruments and weather updates.  It was mildly interesting, to the extent I could understand what they were saying, and increasingly intimidating.  I realized I was back in Math class, but I wasn't doing so well.

Sunset over Antelope Island

However, then things became more interesting, as we approached the plane.  Bill went through a thorough and detailed check of the Cessna single engine airplane, and then we climbed on board.  I sat in the back seat and we put on our headphones.  After taxiing and communicating over the radio, we were finally airborne.  And to our delight, we discovered a breathtaking sunset over the lake to our left, with a full moon rising over the Wasatch Mountains on our right.  And, on this night, the moon was unusually large, called a "Super Moon", because of it's closer proximity to the earth.  The ground was covered with the calm colors of early evening and the light shown off the water ponds below.  I was kicking myself for forgetting to bring my camera to capture it all.  I snapped a few, very inadequate pictures with my cell phone.

Moon rising over the Wasatch Front

I tried to remain quiet, so Bill could concentrate on what seemed like a thousand little things happening all at once.  I noticed his instructor's totally calm demeanor.  I decided either he was gifted, to subject himself to flights with student pilots, or crazy.  I was impressed with Bill's ability to send and interpret radio calls of other aircraft and airports we passed, while changing course or ascending and descending to different altitudes, on our way to a small airport in Logan.  I felt a little tense as he circled and prepared for landing, but he succeeded in flying a smooth touch and go, and pulled back into the air for our return trip, this time through Sardine Canyon.  It was exciting to see the mountains up close and recognize the roads we normally travel in the car.

In previous years, Bill shared some of his nighttime dreams with me, where he would fly and hover over things.  I felt sad that I had not had similar experiences in my sleep.  Then, one night, I dreamed Bill took me flying with him.  It was like in the Superman movies.  We flew side by side, with our finger tips touching.  I knew if I let go I would fall, but as long as I was touching him, I was safe.  It was a beautiful and sweet experience for me.  And I remember awakening and laying in bed, remembering the feelings I had during this dream together.  On that night, I shared the dream with Bill and thanked him for taking me flying.

And, now, here we were, literally soaring together in the air, on this beautiful night.

Some dreams come true.

He took on the world.

My mother-in-law once told me how blessed she was because her husband provided and took care of her.  She used these words, "He took on the world for me."  She described how he stood between her and so much of the ugliness and coarseness in the world.  He stood as a filter to protect and defend her and the children, from those who were fowl or who would destroy or challenge virtue and faith.  He labored day and night for her comfort and protection, and shielded her from some of the more difficult and even despicable elements of society.  In this more protected world, she could nurture happiness and love, and  she could believe in the goodness of our divine nature.  This does not mean she was naive.  Rather, she was keenly aware and on guard against the evils that sought to inflict her family.  However, this protected environment allowed her to maintain feminine strengths and a vision for her family from the inside, while her husband built the walls surrounding them.

Her early teaching caused me to appreciate my husband, and his efforts to protect and strengthen me and our children.  I see him struggle against the powers that appear, at times, to be completely overwhelming.  I am amazed at his endurance and I know he is often taken to his very limits, wrestling with the demands and nature of the world.  The world does not allow for tenderness and compassion.  It demands efficiency, and the bottom dollar.  It does not welcome new ideas and offer resources freely; instead it demands conformity and more time than is humanly possible to give.  I witness the battle, and participate from my position behind the lines, sustaining and helping reload our weapons of faith and endurance.  And I pray every day, that together, we can destroy the evils that attempt and sometimes manage to penetrate our walls.

I thank the Lord, that even as my husband pulls on his armor every day, and steps in front of me, to deflect the worst of life's arrows, he still has a loving and tender heart, and seeks to find a way to make me smile.  He is my true hero, and I love him.

What is blue...?

What is blue, twirls and can turn on a dime?  The answer is the helicopter we flew in over the island of Kaua'i.  We danced in and around canyons displaying waterfalls falling hundreds of feet.  We followed colorful coastline with caves, where many memorable movies have been made, such as "South Pacific".  And we dipped into the Kaua'i grand canyon.  Fortunately we elected to ride in a helicopter with doors, but for those who are more adventurous and not afraid of getting a little wet, there are rides without doors.  It was a glorious ride into some of God's most beautiful creations.

On Oahu, we experienced the PCC (Polynesian Cultural Center), where we ate a delicious Luau and saw an awesome program called "Ha", meaning "The Breath of Life".  It is the story of birth and death and life's purpose, depicted through the native dances of the polynesian islands and cultures.

A Katamaran ride, snorkeling with fish and green sea turtles, and an evening sunset cruise were other highlights.

And then, of course, there were the beaches.  Everywhere we turned was a picture postcard.  Between my sister and I we took over a thousand pictures.  Now, as I pour over them, I'm enjoying reliving the experiences we had together.  These are memories for a lifetime.

Sonnets - Poem

Sonnets

Let knight slay dragon for his young maiden fair

Let prince climb tower to rescue damsel in despare

Let Romeo hear Juliet from yonder balcony call

My husband's endearments are more tender than them all

First, sweet nothings he whispered in my ear

Now nighttime sonnets fill our bedroom air

Evidence of his love and exhausting daily labor

Every thought and effort for my comfort and care

Sing on, sweet sonnets, beneath the moonlit sky

Remind me of my loved one still laying by my side

Janice Harten

Mar 17, 2009

Copyright © 2012 Janice Harten.  All rights reserved.

Big Toe

My husband has often used his big toe as a visual motivator.  He says if he is struggling to get started on a task he really doesn't want to do, he looks at his big toe, and then points it in the direction he needs to go.  Then, he moves his toe forward.  He says if he can get his big toe to move, then the rest will follow.

So, this morning I stuck my big toe out from under the covers, and kept moving.

Renewed - Poem

Renewed -

He glanced at her, his eyes grew wide

   “You are a beautiful maiden!”

She blushed and smiled with delight

   Then leaned over and kissed him

Thirty two years of married life

   His next words reawakened,

“Let me put my glasses on.”

   She said, “In case I am mistaken!”

Love and laughter intertwined

   Wrestling match ensued

Lighting sparkles in their eyes

   Feelings of youth renewed

 Janice Harten
Sept 4, 2010
Copyright © 2011 Janice Harten.  All rights reserved.

Counseling and Comforting

I am astonished sometimes, by the ideas and thoughts that come to my mind, as I have discussions with my husband, or one of our children.  There are just moments when the right idea makes sense, and the direction seems clear, of what to do.

Tonight, we were talking about a business decision and discussion that needs to take place with one of the  company members.  I felt to suggest, he should focus on the plan and the way forward, rather than talking in circles about all that has happened in the past.  I also suggested that my husband remain perfectly steady and unflappable, and other people and things would eventually become steady, around him.  He is CEO, so it is essential that he maintain the course for the company and himself.  Other members need reassurance of the value they are to the company, and then they are happy and willing to contribute in the areas where their real talents lay.

I reminded him of the strength he has given me throughout our marriage.  When I thanked him for this, he quickly pointed out that I have done the same for him.  We reflected together on the time when our youngest son was born 3 months premature.  He was in intensive care for the first two months of his life.  I cried the first time I saw him in the incubator, and as I spoke to him he recognized my voice and quieted down.  I cried many times, when I saw the tiny marks on his skin, where the nurses searched for a place to move the life-saving IV needle, or the revised bandaid covers on his heels from where they pricked him again and again. His skin was so tender and new it was raw.  I cried to witness his battling spirit, in his tiny 2 lb body.  My husband was reassuring and devoted to me and our other four children at home.  The battle was on multiple fronts, as we dealt with financial decisions as well.  I reassured my husband, that we would make it.  We held each other and quietly sobbed on our pillows at night.  Each of us grieved at different moments and in different ways; when one was down the other was usually up, and vice versa.  It is a carefully choreographed existence, and the essence of the definition of "helpmeet".

Sunset

My husband left on a business trip this afternoon.  Seeking to comfort myself, I decided to go for a stroll to see the sunset; something he loves to do.  I grabbed one of his jackets and the camera.  I smiled when I put my hand in the pocket and found some "smarties".

34 LDS Temples - Bountiful Temple

Recently, a friend and her husband, celebrated their 12th wedding anniversary.  To celebrate, they visited 12 different LDS temples, within a week.  I felt inspired as she shared her experience, and I could see the light twinkling in her eyes and in her countenance.  So, my wheels started turning.....

On Saturday, as my husband and I sat together in the Celestial Room at the Bountiful Temple, I proposed we visit 34 temples before our 34th wedding anniversary, next June.  There is no real purpose in visiting 34 different temples, other than to make it challenging and fun.  We have a little more flexibility in our lives, than we have had in the past, to even consider such a goal.

Before we left the temple grounds, we tried taking a picture of us, with the temple in the background, holding my husband's phone camera at arms length.  After a few frustrating attempts, we finally asked for help.   Hopefully, we will chronicle each of our temple visits with a picture, as proof of our adventure, and to capture the memory.  While attempting to get our picture, a father, mother and three young children walked past us, all dressed in white clothing.  We watched as someone took their picture as well.  I realized they had just been sealed as a family forever, and they literally glowed with happiness.

I spent the rest of the afternoon, using LDS.org, creating a list and information about each of the temples we might consider going to.  I mapped out three different trips with googlemaps.com, with stops at 6-10 temples on each trip.  We can take advantage of my husband's business trips, and I will consider traveling with him, if there is a temple nearby.  And, since we live along the Wasatch Front, we can visit nearby temples anytime of the year.

The LDS.org website was very helpful, giving information about individual temples, when they are open, the hours for ordinances, scheduling and contact information.  Now, if I only knew more about computers, I could superimpose our picture in front of temple pictures on-line, and you wouldn't know the difference!  :)  Now you hear my "task-oriented" side talking....  My excitement is growing, as I look forward to seeing new places, and enjoying the spirit of the temple, with my husband.