Provo Utah Temple - Agency

Our visit to the Provo Temple was very different from what I imagined it would be.  I thought we would re-live the wonderful events surrounding our marriage there, 34 years ago.  Instead, it was a mix of emotions and memories that began before we even met.  The matured pine trees behind the temple, filled in the years since we were last there.  Squaw Peak, to the east, and BYU University to the south (where we met), held a flood of sweet and poignant memories, hopes, dreams, frustrations, discouragements, excitement, inspiration and longing.  We visited the past and wondered how we got where we are, now.  It began a few days ago, when we saw the pictures of our wedding day.  Real questions surfaced of, 'Who am I?' and 'What happened to the person I was then?'  'Is this the future I imagined for myself?'  Our experience spilled over into the next day as we continued to share our thoughts and feelings, mixed with some tears.

Our life together began one afternoon on the BYU campus, while I was waiting for choir practice to begin, for a special performance behind the DeJong Concert Hall stage, which we were both part of.  I had arrived early, and the room was relatively empty.  A young man entered and walked straight across the room, passing umpteen empty chairs, to sit in the seat right next to me (invading my personal space).  Then he turned and asked if I would be willing to go on a date with him.  I remember thinking, "Why does this good looking guy want to go on a date with me?"  It's not that I felt totally unattractive, but I thought he was very good looking, and I wondered what had attracted him to me.  I asked what he had in mind for the date, and when he mentioned going to a movie at the theatre on campus, I thought that sounded safe enough, so I said yes.  For the next several minutes, we sat in awkward silence, not knowing what to say or do.  When the choir practice began, I felt shy singing next to him.

When he picked me up for the date, he suggested we go to a fun hamburger spot to eat, called Jimba's, instead of the movie, so we could talk and get to know one another.  I decided to be adventurous, and I ordered sprouts on my hamburger, which I had never tried before, (that is about as adventurous as I get, so this should tell you something about me).  The next thing I knew, Bill was asking if he could have a bite of my hamburger.  I wondered who this guy was, to be so bold, especially on a first date.  And, I hate sharing my food with anyone, so, this was almost a deal-breaker.  For the next couple of hours, we  ate, were entertained by the antics of a student in an ape costume who worked for the restaurant, and talked about our families and our studies.  When he dropped me off at my apartment, one of my roommates asked me how the date had gone.  I remember telling her that, at first I wasn't sure about this guy, but I had had a really fun time with him, and if he asked me out again I would say yes.

In the following months, Bill graduated and started working for a company nearby, while I continued to attend college.  And, when Bill asked me to marry him, five months after our first date, I told him no.  I knew a proposal was coming, because Bill's employer was preparing to transfer him to do work in another state.  As soon as I heard this, Bill's best friend said, "Janice, you better start fasting!".  This was sooner than I had anticipated, and I wondered how I could know if I should marry Bill.  One evening, as we were sitting on the couch in my apartment, Bill turned and asked if I would marry him.  I felt bad that I didn't feel to throw my arms around his neck and say yes.  Instead, I told him I needed some time to decide.  Right after this, Bill's employer decided not to transfer him, but here was this big, looming question of marriage.

I prayed, I pondered, I read, I prayed again; nothing seemed to give me the answer I was seeking.  I was waiting for the Lord to tell me what to do.  I wanted a sign of some kind, bells, anything.  But, nothing came, and I wondered how to make such a monumental decision.  I knew I loved Bill.  In a previous relationship, a fellow asked me to marry him.  After several months of uncertainty, I finally told him I couldn't marry him.  He was very hurt.  Yet, I knew I had made the right decision.

Now, with Bill, I was afraid of hurting him, and of dragging this decision on for months.  So, one evening I told Bill that I loved him, but that I did not feel I could say 'yes' to his question, so, therefore the answer had to be 'no'.  I explained that I didn't want the uncertainty to go on for a long time, so I wanted to release him from any obligation to me and allow us both to move forward.  As I told Bill this, it was a very different experience than I had before.  I felt, even though I was telling him no, I knew he would call me the next day and I would go out with him.  I still wanted to see and date him, and I didn't want it to be over.  Later, he told me he felt the same way, and he did call the next day.

This decision, to tell Bill 'no', put us back into just a dating relationship.  We began to have more fun than we had ever had together.  The pressure was off to decide about marriage, so we laughed and got to know one another and had a wonderful time.  Nevertheless, after just a few more weeks of this, I felt it was time again for me to revisit my decision about marriage.  However, this time, I found an important article in the church's Ensign magazine, that helped me understand how to hear an answer from the Lord.

In this article, a young woman described the process she had gone through to make a decision to marry.  It was exactly what I was experiencing.  I took this new found knowledge, and I began to discuss with the Lord my thoughts and feelings.  I told him of my desires and how I felt about Bill, both now and in my future.  In the end, the Lord carefully let me see into my own heart.  I decided that Bill was exactly the kind of person I wanted to marry, and I felt different with him than I had with anyone else I had dated.  I told the Lord that I decided to say yes, and get engaged to Bill.  And I asked the Lord to confirm my answer, by how things would go in the coming weeks.  I told him that I would know it was the right decision, if I felt happy and if things went well between now and the time we were married.  But, if I grew unhappy, and if things became troubled, then I would know I had made the wrong decision, and I would end the engagement.  As it turns out, this was also a very important test for Bill.  Up until then, he had been anxious in his other dating relationships.  Ours was the first time he remained patient and kept dating, in spite of the delay.  So, the Lord had important personal lessons for both of us during this preparatory time.

From the moment I told Bill I would marry him, I felt happier than I had ever felt in my life.  I could not wait to be with him.  Every decision we made went smoothly and all the preparations were put into place without a problem.  And, on the day we were married, I felt happier than ever before.  As we held hands across the altar of the temple, I knew I made the right decision.  I appreciate that the Lord allowed me to know my own desires, and make up my own mind on this most important decision.  It has allowed me to accept responsibility for my choice, and to see how the Lord honors our agency.

Bill describes his decision to marry me, in a very sweet way.  He said he knew on our first date, as he listened to me talk about my family, that he wanted to marry me.  He said, up until then, he often asked the Lord the question, "Is this the one I should marry?".  But after he met me, his prayers changed to, "Please, let this be the one!"

East side of Provo Temple

Our journey, for the past 34 years, has been one of joy, trial and discovery.  In many ways we are opposites; for example, spontaneous vs consistency, grandiose ideas vs steady-she-goes, confident vs hesitant, entrepreneur vs traditional, individual vs group activity.   He helps me dream, I provide stability.   Yet, when it comes to our core values, we are in perfect harmony.  We have strong personal values and religious views.  We respect and love one another.  We are committed to honoring our covenant of marriage and devotion to one another.  We wanted a family and have been devoted to serving them and the Lord.  We acknowledge where we are different and constantly search for ways to nurture the bonds that keep us united and close.  We have our share of disagreements and misunderstandings, but, we work to repair injured feelings and come to an understanding.  It is a work in progress.  Sound too good to be true?  Absolutely! We are in this for eternity.